5 Tips for Parents of Teens – Back to School Anxiety
Counting down the days to a new school year can be a mixed experience for parents and teenagers alike.
Many teens, perhaps getting bored with Summer, look forward to returning to a structured schedule that provides social, athletic, or academic opportunities. For others, they may feel a sense of dread–giving up their Summer freedom for homework, tests, and projects that take time away from preferred activities.
As a parent, maybe you’ve already heard “But it’s going to be hard!” Maybe your teen has been assigned a notoriously difficult teacher.
Parents or teens – you feel the changes coming.
The feeling of worry, apprehension, or reluctance associated with back to school anxiety is normal. Despite years of “first day” experiences, each year can bring back that feeling of uncertain vulnerability, or “alarm.”
The Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) acts as the body’s “alarm system” to keep us safe.
By now, your teenager has likely had their share of positive and negative school experiences. Our brains keep track of negative experiences and remember how uncomfortable it felt – and now they’re required to do it again!
A new school, new teachers, or new classmates bring a lot of unpredictable scenarios that can feel emotionally threatening. The ANS activates as a reminder to consider the risks involved when stepping into newness (it wants to prevent potential discomfort). In order to feel safe, the ANS may remain activated because it knows not everything at school is predictable, and worry increases as a reminder to be “on guard” for the unpredictable.
Studies have demonstrated that close to 90% of our worries usually turn out to be false alarms, and worry outcomes that did come true still turned out better than expected about 1/3 of the time. The unconscious skill of calculating risk versus reward is an experience-based learning process throughout our developmental years – often confounded by worry, ADHD, or even unaddressed neuro-diverse features.
Knowing what to expect and being able to contextualize the experience can set you and your teen up to navigate the coming transitions with greater success.
Here are 5 ways to help your teen with back to school anxiety:
1) Check in with your teen
Create casual conversations. While teenagers might not like to expose their desire for support, offering your interest and validation of what they’re experiencing builds relationship and communicates they have support available (should they need it). Yes, teenagers will tell you they want space to try on their own – and they need that space to develop independence. However, as a former teenager myself and having worked with many adolescents over the years – teens also want to know they have your support ready if they ask.
During moments of low anxiety, offer a listening ear and validate their concerns while resisting the urge to provide quick fixes or being too suggestive.
Ask reflective, open-ended questions such as, “What was that like for you?” or “How are you feeling about your classes?”
Checking-in also allows you to sense how much support they may need as their anticipation or back to school anxiety grows. Consider casual check-ins a few weeks ahead of specific events to let them feel your support, and that you are navigating these transitions together even if they don’t ask for “together.”
2) Focus on the familiar
Consider increasing familiarity by visiting the school ahead of time, meeting teachers, coaches, and staff, or by finding their locker, class schedule, or classroom location to reduce newness.
Focusing on the familiar can help remind them how much they’ve navigated in prior years and bring “easy” to the forefront. Most schools offer back-to-school events or supply drop-off dates. Take advantage of prescheduled events or reach out to the school and create a test-run!
And if their summer schedule included late nights or inconsistent sleep schedules, transition to a consistent bedtime 1-2 weeks before their start day.
Essentially, everything that becomes routine was once a new experience! While “new” can often feel uncomfortable, it is also part of normal development – formulating and growing new skills that foster new perspectives and confidence.
3) Model stress management
A new school year means changing schedules and logistics for parents, too! Coordinating carpooling, athletic schedules, keeping the pantry stocked for lunches and snacks for extra activities, etc., require extra planning to flow smoothly.
Keep your own preparations casual or fun, as stress can be contagious. Getting school supplies several weeks ahead of time helps reduce the felt pressure of last-minute rushed shopping.
Describe specific tools or strategies you use when encountering inconvenient situations and normalize stepping into situations with curiosity and problem solving. Talking through your own problem-solving strategies out loud can model outside-the-box solution-seeking rather than panic or fear. Remember, as parents, we’re always reinforcing something.
4) Develop a tool box
We all experience anxiety – it’s built in to serve and protect us! Uncertainty is a normal part of the human experience at every stage of life. Anxiety disorders develop when the uncomfortable experiences of the past begin to define our ability to safely navigate the present for perceived future safety.
Since anxiety is largely associated with excessive focus on the future, grounding strategies such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or guided meditation can help bring us back to the present where we have more control. Sensory based practices put us in touch with our body, which is a present experience. Deep breathing strategies have a calming influence on the body, allowing the brain to follow and better direct our mental faculties when anxiety seeks to disconnect us.
Some mindfulness and grounding practices can be utilized almost anywhere, even the classroom. Having physical outlets, sports, or afterschool routines to get the body moving can also be utilized to let out “nervous energy” when used with intent.
5) Set reasonable expectations
Nurture effort over outcome. Anxiety around achievement-based learning expectations often goes unnoticed. Chances are, performing well is important to your child, and memories of less-than-stellar performances remind them of what it’s like to feel disappointment.
Focusing your encouragement on variables that are within their control (adequate sleep, budgeting study time, quality nutrition) sets them up to give their best. Test anxiety can be framed as their desire to do well conflicting with what a poor outcome feels like. Implementing stress-reducing and calming strategies can help improve focus in the moment, relax the body, and shift focus back to the task-at-hand rather than performance-based judgments.
When they have a toolbox to manage physical sensations and reduce worried thoughts, the ANS can settle back into the moment with greater effectiveness. Reframe perceived failures as “a work in progress.” This normalizes that learning is ongoing and mistakes provide opportunities for growth.
Make contact with the school counselor if your student has a history of struggles with focus or attention, as specific learning supports and accommodations may be necessary.
For most teens, new-school-year worries will fade.
Keep checking-in as they acclimate. It’s common for classroom expectations and workload to increase as they progress through their school years, sometimes taking away from preferred activities. Having a sense of balance between managing responsibilities and having healthy physical and emotional outlets is vital.
But also, trust your gut if your teen’s back to school anxiety seems overwhelming, prolonged, or indicates they may be struggling. If you sense ongoing distress or observe increasing avoidance or withdrawal from normally enjoyed activities – don’t wait to seek support. Don’t hesitate to communicate with school personnel and counselors who may provide additional support or make additional recommendations for an academic or professional mental health evaluation.
Written by Justin Fensterman, M.A., LPC
Take the first step
If you feel stuck right now, or your teen is struggling with back to school anxiety, talking to someone who understands can make a world of difference. At Cornerstone Christian Counseling, we’re here to walk this path with you both. You don’t have to feel this way, and with the right support, things really can get better.
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Research shows that much of the change people experience during their time in therapy is because they felt heard and understood by their therapist–that their therapist “got them” and that the guidance they gave was relevant and applicable. Because of this, it is critical that you find a therapist whom you can connect with, whom you feel comfortable with, whom you feel “gets you.”
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