It had come to this. I was past my wit’s end and was on the phone with my doctor’s office, desperately asking if there was anything to fix my son’s poor sleep. I kept having to mute myself as sob after sob rolled out. I was so, so sleep-deprived that I couldn’t hold the tears back. Although the nurse on the line was understanding, she couldn’t offer any new guidance beyond what we were already trying. It seemed this was something we’d just have to live through until he was old enough to learn more self-regulation.
My son had initially been a pretty average baby. That is, until he turned 10 weeks old and began a horrible sleep regression that lasted for months. I remember vividly the weekend it happened. From then on, my husband and I were up most nights.
When Sleep Loss Takes a Toll
“There’s a reason sleep deprivation is used in torture!” I angrily told my mother. I felt sick from lack of sleep, physically and mentally. I felt that I had lost most of my resilience. Small things felt big and big things felt so impossible that I was trying to avoid them.
Stanford Medicine and the Columbia University Department of Psychiatry have both done research on how sleep deprivation affects mental health. Loss of sleep is correlated with increased anxiety and depression. Sleep is necessary in helping us regulate emotions and process the events we face each day. You aren’t alone if you feel that having a newborn has caused your mental health to decline. You might notice:
- An increase in worry
- Trouble thinking clearly
- Heightened irritability
- A loss of confidence in your capabilities
- A lower mood
I was alarmed by intrusive thoughts. I tried to put a comedic tone to my words, but I also felt very guilty as I told my friend, “I’m glad the windows don’t open because I’ve thought of throwing the baby out one.” Even now, it feels horrific to write those words down. I dearly loved my baby with all my heart, so why would I think such a horrible thing?
Give Yourself Some Grace
A newborn requires so much care that it’s easy to forget we as parents also need care. Self-compassion is a practice accessible at any hour of the day and at any place. Dr. Kristin Neff of the Self Compassion Institute says, “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings.” What better time to be understanding with ourselves than when we are trying our best but are limited by how tired we are?
I was grateful to have gone through counseling school and had already been in the practice of self-compassion. I practiced separating myself from the worries and intrusive thoughts. I told myself, “These thoughts came from a part of me that feels desperate and doesn’t reflect my heart’s true desire.” I also practiced acknowledging to myself how difficult this season was and so of course my mental health was being impacted. I was not a horrible mom — just a tired one. I knew I didn’t actually want to hurt my baby; I just needed to sleep.
Help and support make a difference. For me, help looked like accepting my husband’s offer for me to sleep in the guest room for a night and then he would bring the baby to me for feedings. I still woke up three times that night to feed the baby, but it was enough of a reset that I felt more capable of making it a few more weeks with little sleep.
Is there anyone you know who could give this gift to you? It is a big ask, but someone around you might want to show you love in a big way.
📩 Encouragement for the Hard Days
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God is Still With You
The lack of sleep was creating a lot of anxiety in me. I was on my phone constantly researching sleep schedules, sleep routines, and sleep training. Sleep experts and mommy influencers made it sound so easy to get a baby to sleep. I became convinced I was doing something wrong, and this anxiety drove me back to my phone to look for solutions. One night, as I sat in the dark rocking my baby in our lumpy orange chair, a sentence entered my mind. It was clear and kind, and so different from my anxious brain that I knew it was from God. He said, “You’re not doing anything wrong.” It wasn’t an answer to my son’s poor sleep, but it did bring encouragement and peace.
Be encouraged, friend. In your sleep-deprived state, God is still present and you are seen.
I started practicing breath prayers when I was up at night.
- Breathe in: “Help me, Lord.”
- Breathe out: “You are faithful.”
This routine helped calm my racing mind and nourish my soul.
A Little Help Can Go a Long Way
If any part of this story resonates with you, I’d love to meet and support you. Parenting my two boys brings me immense joy, and yet I know how hard it can be when we are only human and repeatedly come to the end of ourselves.
Emily Scott is a licensed professional counselor who helps individuals, couples, and overwhelmed parents work through difficult seasons, heal from past hurts, and build healthier relationships. Using trauma- and attachment-based approaches — including EMDR, Brainspotting, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — she helps clients find healing and lasting change.
Emily sees clients in-person in Centennial and Lakewood, Colorado, as well online across AL, AZ, CO, NC, and WY.
