“Is my spouse a narcissist?”
It’s about ten minutes into our first session before I’m asked this question. This is not uncommon.
“What is your evidence?” I ask.
The client lists frequent conflicts between them. Other times, a client inquires about a parent, daughter-in-law, or son-in-law.
Why I Can't Diagnose Someone Who Isn’t My Client
When I meet a new client, I am only hearing their perspective. I work to build trust and hear their experience. I believe my client is being truthful with me. If I am asked for an opinion for someone who is not in the session, I want to respect the client’s desire for insight without going beyond appropriate boundaries.
I listen to the client’s description of the behavior which concerns them. I explain I cannot diagnose someone who is not in the session with us. However, I can specify if the behaviors as they are described are part of the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or they are not.
Then I shift the focus. “If your suspicions are correct, what would that mean for you?” This is the crux of the matter.
5 Common Questions About Narcissism and Relationships
Here are the most common questions I hear from people who are worried that their partner, family member, or someone close to them might be a narcissist:
1. Can this person change?
Maybe, but not due to your requests, demands, or threats. However, your response can create change in the relationship. I can teach healthier boundaries, improved communication skills, and help you build self-confidence. These are beneficial, regardless of the other person’s response.
2. Am I imagining things?
Probably not. God gives us intuition for a reason. We can (and should) pray for God’s direction in these matters.
Are you assuming greater significance in the comment or behavior than is true or useful? Perhaps. We should discuss it in session, along with how you can respond with wisdom.
3. Is there hope for marriage counseling?
I believe God working through a qualified therapist can do wonders if and when both parties are open and willing to change. Marriage counseling is also cheaper than a divorce attorney, so I believe this is a good investment. If your partner or family member is unwilling to change, this might be very useful information for you to consider.
4. Is this behavior justification for divorce?
That is a question only you can answer. I can help you wrestle with your beliefs and feelings along with what the Bible says about abusive behavior, marriage, and divorce, if that is important to you. I will help you find clarity and give you support regardless of how long you wrestle to make the decision you believe is the best for you.
5. Is this normal?”
Normal should not be confused with acceptable. Societies throughout history have normalized behaviors we would find inexcusable today. Hurtful, selfish comments and behaviors are not acceptable in any relationship. The question is, how are you going to respond to this? That is something I can help you process.
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Moving Forward With Hope and Healthy Boundaries
Regardless of what it is called, hurtful behavior is a problem in relationships. As a licensed professional counselor, I can help you process the experiences, decide what you would like to do about it, and learn new coping strategies and communication skills with hope it can improve. If it does not improve, I will be supportive as you decide how you will move forward to a better future.
Written by Cathleen Olney, MA, LPC
Need Support Navigating a Difficult Relationship?
If you’re wondering whether a spouse or family member may be narcissistic, you don’t have to face it alone. A Christian counselor can help you set healthy boundaries, understand your experiences, and move forward with clarity and hope. Find out how we can help you heal, grow, and thrive.
