My Dad used to make this lame joke: “Did you know that everyone is naked underneath their clothing?” Or better yet, “AAAA! There are skeletons everywhere! Walking around inside of every person you know!” Those are stupid one-liners, but I think about them quite a lot when I consider the kinds of things that divide people from each other — particularly shallow things like skin color, language, family traditions, or generational differences. Somewhere underneath all of that cultural clothing, people are walking around with the same bones and skin of being human.
Different Homes, Different Rules
As a pastor’s kid I grew up visiting any number of the houses from people in our congregation. I vividly remember being scolded for opening a cabinet to look for a glass in one (“That’s rude! This isn’t your house!”), only to turn around and get made fun of at another the next week for being too shy to help myself to a glass (“Just search the cabinets! We won’t bite you!”). In some homes, taking off shoes was essential, while in others, people were offended that anyone would walk into their homes with uncovered feet. And these were all Midwestern white people with seemingly everything in common!
Even beyond these differences in rules, people didn’t just have different preferences — they often assumed, mistakenly, that their own way of doing things was obvious and normal for everyone. They were all totally different and yet perplexing in the same haunting ways.
A Scandalous Moment Abroad
So when I found myself, years later, looking into the eyes of an elderly woman pleading with me in Arabic on a Saudi Arabian side street, my response came naturally. I reached out to hold her hand while she lectured me and gestured to her head with disappointment in her face, then pointed toward the sky — her meaning clear even if her words were not. “Your head is not covered, and it is shameful before God.”
I pantomimed searching in my bag for the head scarf I had forgotten to keep on me, as was my usual habit, and I touched my own head and heart doing my best to look guilty and sorry. We held hands as she offered to me what looked like a rather loving and forgiving motion, squeezing my hands in hers and looking into my eyes with compassion. With a final squeeze, I walked on with my husband to the restaurant we were eating at for dinner that night.
That brief encounter on the street wasn’t just about a forgotten scarf — it was a moment that revealed the heart of what it means to relate across cultural differences. I had to step outside my own cultural habits, pay attention to someone else’s perspective, and respond with care. Moments like this, whether abroad or at home, are exactly what cultural humility is about: approaching others with love and a willingness to learn from them.
Why Humility Matters in a Divided World
So what IS cultural humility? Cultural humility is a term commonly used in fields that involve human relationships across differences — such as healthcare, counseling, and education. It’s defined as the process of relating to people from different cultures through self-examination, reflection, and most importantly, relationship. This differs from cultural competence in that cultural competence focuses on the encounter and learning about another culture, but not necessarily being in relationship with or in accountability to that culture. Interestingly, moving between the different U.S. cultures of Kansas vs. Wisconsin gave me a basic education in cultural humility — though it came from a place of anxiety and a desire to avoid getting in trouble.
It would be natural to expect that the internet has decreased the cultural divides between us and made learning about other cultures easy. Perhaps even trivial. We have learned, however, that social media and internet culture itself has divided us more than ever. We no longer have to learn to tolerate people in our social circles who we don’t like. Instead, we can search for people just like us and never rest in the unease of questioning ourselves and our own culture at all.
As a result, I would argue, our cultural strength and resiliency has faded and our cultural sensibilities have gotten anemic, almost sick. It doesn’t take much looking through news articles to realize that there is much askew in the world around how we are relating to people who are different from us. We can’t even have full conversations with people from other political parties, let alone people from other countries! How do we fight back against this trend as Christians and people who value healthy relationships with everyone around us?
(The following tips are drawn from insights in three models that guide understanding and connection across cultures: The ORCA Model, The QIAN Model and, The CARE Model.)
1. Openness – Welcome different perspectives
The first step in cultural humility is to be open to people who are different than yourself. This is a neutral pose neither rejecting or integrating new cultures, but rather having a posture of non-judgmental acceptance and observation. This often means assuming people have good intentions and that, if they behave in a confusing way, it must have a rational explanation. It can be helpful to ask yourself what helps you to get into a posture of openness, and to realize times you have felt more open. For instance, I know I am always more open to others when I am well-fed and rested.
2. Awareness – Notice your own culture
Awareness includes the ability to recognize that you are in proximity to another culture, but also that you are bringing a culture of your own. Absolutely everyone you know, including you, have a culture. Some of the best first steps in cultural humility is to recognize what your own culture is like and what other people might experience around you. This could include an accent that people from other regions might hear, food that is special to your family or place of origin, or unspoken expectations you have for other people.
A good example of this within the United States is hugging and physical proximity. My family saved hugs for special occasions, greetings, and good-byes. We tend to stand a good ways apart from each other when we speak. When I met my husband, he revealed that he and his siblings would pile together on the couch right on top of each other! His comfort in hugging people and mine were different, even though we both grew up in the Midwest. I learned to accept more hugs in his family, and they learned that I wasn’t trying to be stand-offish when I didn’t immediately go in for a snuggle.
3. Self-Reflection – Question your assumptions
The ability to self-reflect involves asking yourself about your own beliefs and cultures, and why you hold the values and habits that you do. Most people come to the world with a story that what they think of as “normal” is superior. Self-questioning means being open to the possibility that your own culture is not the best one, but merely different. Ask yourself how you might be affecting someone else. The best time to do this is when you feel uncomfortable or someone else corrects you and you feel a strong internal negative reaction to it. Ask yourself what might be going on, what your expectations for the event were, and how that might differ from the person in front of you.
4. Humility – Approach as a learner
It is probably self-evident that in an article about cultural humility, humility would be one of the core requirements of the skill. Humility is not putting yourself down, but rather thinking of yourself and your own interests less — putting your own culture to the side while you observe another person’s. It means coming to an experience as a beginner, instead of assuming you already understand everything there is to know about a cultural experience. It is a self-emptying practice, rather than one of self-debasement.
5. Respect – Value every person
People respond to the word “respect” in so many different ways. It might be helpful to ask yourself what the word “respect” means to you, or how it was used around you when you were growing up. In the context of cultural humility, respect is the basic belief that another human is worthwhile, even when they are behaving in a way that you have been taught is not worthy of respect itself. You do not ultimately have to respect the behavior, but the belief that the person who is performing it is made in the image of God — and that opens up space for the next key of cultural humility.
6. Curiosity – Seek to understand others
In cultural humility, trying to understand why someone is behaving the way they are, or why their existence is the way it is, is one of the most basic ways to be open to a perspective shift. In the example of the elderly woman asking me to cover my head, it helped me to understand the cultural and historical significance of head coverings in her country, as well as her personal beliefs about them. My earlier curiosity had led me to learn enough about Saudi Arabian culture to realize that she was attempting to care for me and not to judge me.
7. Immersion – Engage with other cultures
Research tells us that one of the best ways to have cultural humility and openness to a culture is to immerse yourself in it. This is as simple as it sounds — be around it. Moving to another country is an option, but there are much simpler ways to engage in immersion. Go to a part of the city where people different from yourself live, or attend local cultural festivals. Get your hair cut where you will be a minority. Eat at a restaurant where the wait staff primarily speak another language. Even better — do it regularly.
8. Active Listening – Hear before responding
Active listening is more than simply not talking over the people in front of you. Active listening involves asking questions, responding thoughtfully, and working toward a state where you can accurately reflect what the speaker has said, identify what is important to them, and have them agree with your understanding. Words can mean different things to different people, especially with a language barrier — but active listening reduces the amount of misunderstanding present when we hear their stories.
9. Accountability – Admit mistakes and improve
Accountability is the simple act of admitting when you have done something wrong, and committing yourself to do better. Everyone makes cultural mistakes, and judging each other harshly for unintentional offenses is usually unhelpful.
When I lived at my University in Saudi Arabia, more than 70 countries were represented. We learned quickly that getting offended at each other for minor slights was not helpful because we all made them constantly. But when we made a mistake, it was essential to acknowledge the mistake and commit to not making it again.
For example, when I moved to the Middle East, I didn’t realize that pointing my feet toward a neighbor while crossing my legs was considered offensive. I learned quickly and made a habit of keeping my feet down in public, even though it was still fine around my American and European friends. Obviously, accountability can go far beyond small, everyday slights to much bigger cultural questions and conflicts — but the best place to start is how we treat our neighbors in everyday life.
10. Negotiation – Find mutually respectful solutions
Negotiation brings all of the previous skills together when we recognize our different cultures and preferences and work to find solutions to disagreements that work for everyone. This can involve compromise and accommodating different cultural perspectives, which can sometimes feel impossible! When negotiation is with strangers we do not respect, it IS impossible. But when it is with people with whom we have a caring relationship — so much more becomes possible.
Following Jesus' Examples of Humility
Cultural humility is not just for the immigrant moving to our country or for when we visit places outside of our own country. Cultural humility is for everyone, everywhere, with every other person.
Jesus himself demonstrated it repeatedly, everywhere he went. He was open to the woman at the well, children who wanted to be near him, the Roman centurion, and even his own disciples when they did not recognize the new culture Jesus was creating by bringing God’s Kingdom to Earth.
In Matthew 25:35 Jesus says that God will recognize those who have shown welcome to strangers, and John 1:5-8 specifically commends the Christian community for being welcoming to strangers. Cultural humility is a key aspect of following Jesus and the kindness he showed to others, even those who were total strangers to the Jewish culture he grew up in.
It is my hope that we as Christians can be open to the vast diversity and cultures that have been cultivated in God’s world, even within his own people — and be an example for all. Culture is clothing, but we are all humans walking around underneath it after all.
Written by Andi Anderson, MA, LPCC, MFTC
Bring Humility into Your Relationships
Even in close relationships — marriage, family, or in-laws — differences in culture, habits, and traditions can create tension. Practicing cultural humility at home means listening, reflecting, and responding with understanding instead of judgment. If you’re struggling to navigate these differences, meet up with one of our Christian counselors to help guide you in building healthier communication and stronger connections.
