As our session began, I sat across from a man I’d just met — a new client. After a brief smile and polite exchange in the lobby, I began asking him a series of curious questions to get a better understanding of his background and story.
“How are you feeling about being here?” I said, trying to read him and show up as authentically as possible. “It took some courage for you to call and set this appointment up.”
“Courage? I don’t know about that. What do I feel? Fine, I guess. I don’t really know what to expect, to be honest,” he murmured.
“To be honest…” I replied, “Man, what a great place to start. Thanks for your willingness to be honest. That also takes an amazing amount of courage.”
I know that feeling, as I am sure so many others do.
When "I'm Fine" Really Means "I'm Hurting"
When therapists hear the word “fine” in response to a question about how the human across from them is feeling, our compassion antennas go up.
As the session progressed, I listened to him share feelings of loneliness and grief. I heard him describe a desperation for meaningful relationships and the very real struggle of being in his mid-30’s and having some shallow acquaintances and “work friends” but desiring more.
Even in a crowded room or in a space with familiar faces, we learn to laugh on cue and trade small talk like currency, and then head home, where the silence is deafening. There is an ache that accompanies that feeling of not being truly known, not being invited to grab drinks for happy hour on a random Tuesday, not having someone to share inside jokes with, and feeling overlooked for the past 5 to 10 years of birthdays (or more). That ache feels like a real, measurable thing that gathers evidence as the weeks and months pass by. We live in a culture that prizes autonomy and independence, and yet the evidence shows that humans were built for something else: genuine connection. The paradox is sharp and tender, and it’s what brings many adults into my therapy room.
“Tell me about friends and meaningful relationships you’ve had in the past,” I probe.
“Ugh. I don’t know, man. That seems so far away. It seems like everyone I get close to leaves eventually. Maybe it’s better that I am alone, then I can’t hurt anyone,” he says softly, eyes downcast. I assume that feelings of shame have entered the room.
“Hey, I know this may feel intimidating, but would you be willing to look at me looking at you?” I risk. He does, bravely offering his gaze. “Listen, I don’t expect you to trust me today, but I hope to build trust over time. My desire is to help you to feel seen and to work together to help you to experience healing from whatever relational pain and trauma you’ve experienced over the years.” Tears begin welling up in his eyes.
“Dude, I’m sorry,” he says, wiping his face in his flannel shirt. “I hate crying in front of other people. I just met you. So stupid,” he says, eyes diverting again.
“I’m curious, was emotional expression modeled to you by your family growing up? What were some of the family messages you received as a boy growing up in the early 90’s in the Midwest?” I utilized the intake information he provided me to help attune to him with greater intentionality, compassion, and cultural humility.
“Emotions? No such thing,” he joked, smirking. “I think I learned to shove emotions down deep, you know?” his gaze returning.
“I do,” I said, empathetically, holding back my own sadness.
“Ah, it’s so painful. I hate this,” he said, trembling. More tears.
The Hidden Costs of Isolation
I want to state from the onset that this is not a sermon against solitude; quiet, reflective solitude can be so soul nourishing. It is essential for me, as a mental health counselor. This is meant to raise awareness about a very real public-health problem: when disconnection becomes a normalized “default mode.” In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General’s report called widespread loneliness and social isolation “an epidemic,” noting the clear, measurable harms that flow from long stretches without meaningful connection. Social connection is not a mere nicety; it predicts better physical and mental health and reduces the risk of premature mortality.
Cited in this report were several staggering statistics:
- Living in isolation reduces our chances of survival, and social isolation increases the risk for premature mortality by 29%.
- Poor social relationships, social isolation, and loneliness can increase your risk of heart disease by 29% and risk of stroke by 32%.
- Among older adults, chronic loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of developing dementia by approximately 50%.
- Children and adolescents who enjoy positive relationships with their peers, parents, and teachers experience improved academic outcomes.
How do these statistics impact you? Do they lead you to compassion? Do they feel overwhelming?
Candidly, I do not currently experience feelings of loneliness at this age and stage of my life. I have a marriage in which I feel high attunement, even after almost 17 years of relationship and commitment. I have three children under 10 who possess enough energy to put Tigger to shame. I have some very close friends and family members that see and know me deeply and that I connect with on a regular basis. In a different chapter of my life, however, you would have encountered an extroverted, gregarious man with a very large social network (unfortunately full of shallow relationships) who left the party or social gathering oftentimes feeling very empty, isolated, and hopeless at times.
I am writing this for those of you who do feel consistent loneliness and abandonment. I write from a therapist’s chair that has seen the tender confusion of adults who ask important, vulnerable questions like: “How do you even make friends after college? After a divorce? After forty?” Below are concrete, compassionate, evidence-informed ideas for building friendship in mid- and later-life, and clinical practices that can support clients who come to therapy with this exact ache.
Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels so Hard
There are some practical reasons: work takes a lot of our focus and time throughout the week, finances, families demanding our energy, people moving, and parenthood reshaping our calendars and availability.
But, there are also so many psychological reasons: fear of rejection, shame about not fitting in, or internal stories that whisper, “I wouldn’t be interesting to them.” Technology complicates things too — we are hyperconnected on our various social platforms, and yet starved for face-to-face knowing.
The Surgeon General’s warning emphasizes that social disconnection is driven by societal and systemic forces as much as by private feelings — neighborhoods designed without gathering spaces, work cultures that prize and celebrate long hours, and social norms that stigmatize mental health issues and vulnerability. The remedy, therefore, must be both personal and collective.
A few orienting considerations:
- Loneliness is common, but it is also “treatable.” You are not broken beyond repair. The statistics above should bring solace that you are not alone in your loneliness; they also remind us that connection is a public health priority deserving our attention and strategy. This issue is something to take seriously.
- Connection is skillful work, not likely accidental or magical. Making friends as an adult is rarely going to look like the plot line of some of our favorite Netflix binge shows. It is choosing small, consistent acts of vulnerability — inviting a neighbor for coffee, volunteering in the community, showing up at the same weekly meetup, or calling someone back.
- Healthy religious and faith communities have long modeled rituals that bind people together — shared meals, liturgies, serving together, small groups. For those who draw meaning from scripture, the Bible notices the human need for companionship: “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10). Hebrews urges us to spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together. These are not sentimental add-ons; they are ancient, evidence-adjacent practices for building sustained ties. I will also be the first to name how much pain can happen in faith communities, which can give us pause or keep us from trying again.
The Beginner's Guide to Making Friends as an Adult
Great ideas, but how do you do this practically? Below are pragmatic steps that vary in risk level that you can consider taking. Think of them as behavioral experiments rather than guaranteed results, small moves that increase the probability of connection and friendship.
- Choose three unique “placements” for belonging. Pick one activity you already enjoy, one you’re curious about, and one you’ll do for volunteering or service. Regularly attending the same place (e.g., a climbing gym, church small group, language class, trivia night, gym, or community theater rehearsal) produces the repeated exposures that friendship requires.
- Make the first “micro-move.” Initiate a curious open-ended questions that you’d like to be asked: “Hey, I’m ____. I’ve seen you at the Tuesday group and just wanted to introduce myself. What drew you to this group?” Micro-moves reduce performance pressure and invite reciprocity.
- Use ritual to anchor new ties. Invite someone to a recurring, low-stakes event: “I grab coffee before work on Thursdays. Want to join next week?” Rituals convert single exchanges into relational growth.
- Entertain the idea of opening old doors, carefully. If someone from your past floats across your mind or pops up on your social media, think about reaching out. Say something like, “I was thinking about that fishing trip we took/that event we served at together/that party we met at in college/that time we were in the same Bible study. Want to catch up?” Be brief and invitational. If they say no or don’t respond the first time, consider asking again; many people respond to the gentle nudge.
- Practice curiosity more than performance. Friendship is less about impressing and more about being interested and authentic. Ask follow-up questions. Remember small details. Send a text that references an inside joke, meme, or information from an earlier conversation.
- Use digital tools intentionally. Online groups and apps can be useful when they point to in-person opportunities. Choose platforms that encourage local, recurring activity rather than endless scrolling. Also, utilize your reminders and calendar apps. Try the “scheduled text” function on your phone to pre-write a text that you want sent out on a specific anniversary, birthday, etc.
- Anticipate some minor feelings of rejection. Expect friction. Most attempts will land somewhere between awkward and ordinary — let’s normalize this! Resilience in social life often looks like taking a deep breath and trying again.
Therapy Strategies That Can Help You Build Meaningful Relationships
Therapists draw from multiple modalities — Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Narrative Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and many other acronyms — choosing interventions that fit the client’s temperament and life story. Here are specific examples of evidence-based techniques I use and teach regularly:
Internal Family Systems (IFS): Loneliness often comes with an internal critic or a protective part that holds burdens associated with feelings of rejection from earlier in life. In IFS sessions, we learn to notice and befriend those parts (e.g., the “skeptical critic” who says, “You’ll look desperate if you reach out”). Then we access a curious, compassionate Self that can create some space from this part and learn to take relational risks with greater courage. For many clients, this alleviates the shame that can lead to withdrawal.
Narrative Therapy: Narrative techniques re-author self-stories — instead of “I’m the guy who can’t keep friends,” we work to craft and practice alternative narratives supported by evidence (e.g., times when you reached out and were warmly received). This shifts identity away from fixed loneliness and towards new narratives, such as “I can do hard things, and I’m learning to make new connections.”
Behavioral Activation & Scheduling (CBT-Informed): When someone is socially withdrawn because of anxiety or low mood, we start with behavioral activation: scheduling small, concrete social activities, tracking mood, then gradually increasing contact with accountability and encouragement. This is simple and powerful — the behavior moves the emotion, not the other way around.
Exposure Work for Social Anxiety: If fear of judgment, rejection, etc. keeps a client from approaching new people, we make a hierarchy of social risks (e.g., saying hi, asking for contact info, joining a group) and systematically practice exposures. This helps builds a tolerance to the anxiety, reduces avoidance, and builds confidence.
Group Therapy and Peer Support: Groups can offer both practice and community. Participating in a therapy group or interest-based meetup provides repeated, safe exposures to social reciprocity. The Surgeon General and public health researchers emphasize community structures and group-based opportunities for social connection as part of a societal response to loneliness.
The Quiet Courage of Reaching Out
There is courage in calling someone on a Tuesday. There is bravery in asking a curious question to your co-worker. It takes boldness to sign up for the community mingle night in your apartment complex that you’ve been considering. Scripture recognizes this: “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).
If you are reading this and wondering where to begin, start small: one group, one ritual, one invitation. If you are a therapist, consider embedding more behavioral activation and interpersonal work into your treatment plans for clients struggling with loneliness. If you are a manager, neighbor, or pastor, remember that ordinary regular presence — a weekly game night, coffee invitations, a lunch rotation, a community clean-up — builds the scaffolding for lives that are known. In a world where independence is loudly valued, may we rediscover the quiet radicalism of leaning toward one another.
Written by Kegan Mosier, M.A, LPC, Clinical Supervisor, Internship Program Director
Take the Next Step in Your Healing Journey
If loneliness is entangled with depression, severe social anxiety, addiction, intrusive shame, and thoughts of suicide that prevents any outreach, therapy is a helpful, even essential, life saving resource. The evidence-based treatments listed above can reduce symptoms that block connection.
Please, get the help you need because talking to a professional who understands can make a world of difference. Let us personally help you find a Christian therapist who can walk alongside you on this journey to live a life connected with others, just as God designed.
