When the Holidays Fall Apart
“Merry Christmas!” Well, not really.
It started the Thanksgiving before my divorce. My husband had too many affairs to count, and I finally felt released from my obligation to try to work things out.
The next Thanksgiving, we finally got a buyer for our home and had to start packing to leave by New Year’s Day. The divorce had been finalized months earlier, but we couldn’t afford separate houses so we stuck it out together. He’d taken the children to his girlfriend’s house for the holiday, and I was spending Christmas alone, packing in a blizzard.
The next year my parents’ health was deteriorating, and my children did not enjoy each other’s company when they were teens. The tension at the table crushed any hope for joy, like an Amazon box dropped on a glass Christmas ornament. When they turned 18, my kids chose to spend holidays with their boyfriend’s families. I didn’t blame them. My parents’ hostility towards each other was now mine alone to buffer.
My parents have since passed, and one daughter lives far away with my grandchildren. The other is not speaking to me. I’m still single, even though nearly all my friends are married. To be honest, it can be hard for me to not stiffen with dread at the first Christmas song I hear on the radio each autumn.
What Helped Me Through the Hard Holidays
If you’re struggling with grief due to the loss of a loved one, alienation from your children, financial struggles, or general loneliness, here are a few things I’ve found have helped me through the season.
- Let yourself off the hook. Leave the decorations in storage, and don’t buy a tree. It’s okay.
- On the other hand, if Christmas lights on the outside of your house bring you joy when returning at night in the dark, put up some lights outside! Pay a neighbor kid to help you. Lights are cheap, and if they ease the sadness of returning home at night, it’s worth the investment of time and money.
- Start a new tradition for Christmas day. Several years ago, I started a new tradition by going out for Chinese food and going to the movies with another single friend. Maybe you can go skiing or visit a nursing home and bring cookies.
Stay Connected, Even When It’s Hard
Don’t turn down invitations because you’re afraid your sadness will infect the gathering. In my experience, the joy of others can be very soothing. Prepare in advance for when others ask, “How are you doing?” You can be honest but brief: “Hanging in there. I’m so glad to be here with you today. It really lifts my spirits. Tell me about what’s going on with you?”
Last year, my father died the day before the company Christmas party. I went to get my mind off the events of the previous day. I decided to tell only my closest work friend so I wouldn’t be Captain Bringdown at the party. He held the secret with me and was the support I needed. I had a reasonably good time, which I really needed. I am so glad I went. Being alone in the house would have been terrible.
Hope for the Days After Christmas
It’s getting easier, but I still look forward to January 2nd when the holidays are officially over. I don’t feel guilty about it. Instead, I comfort those who feel the same way and reassure them when they admit the sadness the Christmas season brings them.
God sees you. It’s going to be okay. January 2nd is coming. When you feel joy is too far out of reach, seek peace instead. Resist the urge to isolate yourself. Focus on Jesus’ birthday and thank him for the gift he is to us all.
Written by Cathleen Olney, MA, LPC
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