“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18)
There’s complicated, unique pain that comes from within the very walls that has promised safety and sanctuary for hundreds of years.
It’s the ache of betrayal by those who acted as leaders and shepherds in Jesus’ name.
It’s the confusion and disorientation of realizing that the place you called your spiritual home has become the source of (or reinforcement of) some your deepest wounds.
It’s the sadness, the grief of trust broken from the pulpit.
Whether it came from someone entrusted to a leadership position, manipulation cloaked in holiness, a community where judgement was louder than love, spiritual abuse, or simply feeling unseen and unwanted—church hurt cuts deep because it pierces the part of us that longed for something sacred.
This blog is a gentle hand to hold as you walk toward hope (again), through the fog of hurt. Not by minimizing or pretending it didn’t happen. But by honoring your pain, wrestling honestly with questions that inform your faith, and discovering that Jesus is near, sitting with you in the rubble.
This is church hurt, and if you’ve felt it… you’re not alone.
What is church hurt?
Church hurt is more than disappointment or feeling “let down.” It’s spiritual, emotional, relational and sometimes even physical wounding that happens within a Christian community- especially from people placed in positions of spiritual authority.
Church hurt could look like…
Being led by a pastor who uses shame to control – vs being a loving guide, advocate, and shepherd.
Being taught that obedience to spiritual authority (blind submission) is more important than your God-given boundaries (honors personal agency).
Being rejected or excluded for asking hard questions – vs being embraced and welcomed for curiosity and honesty and wrestling with tough truths
Gossiping among church community disguised as “concerned prayer requests” – vs authentic concern and confidential support
A theology that minimizes and dismisses pain, blaming the person hurting for their lack of faith – vs one that validates and comforts, honoring the humanity, grief, and story of the one suffering
Betrayal wrapped in twisted, cherry-picked scripture.
Heartbreak layered with so much confusion, because of reasonable expectations from people who are meant to represent Christ.
Manipulation masked as ministry.
The heart of God is always tender toward those in pain. If what you experienced/are experiencing hasn’t felt like mercy, grace, justice and love, then it likely wasn’t of God (even if it was presented with a curated verse from Scripture).
How do I know if my church hurt me?
Some of us have been taught to rationalize, excuse, justify, and minimize our experience. It can be difficult to admit. We find ourselves saying things like:
“They probably didn’t mean to…. I’m sure that wasn’t their intent”
“I was just being too sensitive”
“Other people have been through far worse than this”
“Who am I to judge the Church? We’re all broken”
These thoughts may carry some truth, but they can also silence a heart seeking validation.
Here are some symptoms of church hurt you might feel that may indicate that your church experience was harmful:
- You feel anxious or physically sick when thinking about going to church again
- Because you did not feel supported or believed, you feel isolated
- You struggle to read scripture, pray, or engage in worship without feeling emotional distress
- You’ve internalized deep shame or fear from spiritual teachings or leadership
- When you attempted to raise concerns, you were silenced or spiritually gaslit
The fruit of a healthy church is humility and healing, not harm. Love, not fear. Freedom, not control. “You will know them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:16)
If your spiritual life is marked by growing anxiety, confusion, or deepening shame–those are signs that something is not right.
And friend, naming this hurt doesn’t mean you’re abandoning Jesus; it may actually allow you to take the first step back toward Him.
How do I heal from church hurt?
Healing from this kind of unique pain is non-linear and oftentimes…messy. It likely looks quite different for each of us. But here are a few steps to consider as you begin the journey to healing from church hurt:
1. Separate God from people who failed to represent Him well
This part is necessary, though is is perhaps the hardest. People fail. Leaders fall. Churches are human institutions.
But God…
is not your abuser.
is not the one who shamed you.
is not the one who turned their back.
The actions of man are often incongruent with the character of God. Paul Young states:
“It took me 50 years to wipe the face of my father off the face of God”
Is there a face of another human that needs to be erased, in order for the Divine’s to come through?
“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28)
What would Jesus do if He walked into your church? Defend you or dismiss you? The Gospels say: He would have flipped tables for you, wept with you, and called you son, daughter, beloved.
2. Name the hurt without shame
There is no healing without honesty. You are allowed to say things like: That was wrong and that hurt me.
Jesus became indignant towards religious leaders who oppressed others in God’s name (see Matthew 23).
It can feel vulnerable, but do not suffer in silence. You’ve heard it said, speak the truth–even if your voice shakes.
3. Give yourself permission to lament
Grief is holy ground. The Psalms are full of questioning, weeping, honesty, and anger directed at God–not out of rebellion, but out of real relationship.
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” (Psalm 13:1)
You are allowed to rage, cry, rage, doubt, and even take a break for a while.
God doesn’t leave when we wrestle. He often meets us in the wrestling.
As author Lysa TerKeurst says,
“God isn’t afraid of our honest prayers. He’d rather hear our hurt than a dishonest hallelujah.”
Choosing the right counselor after you’ve been hurt by your faith community
PSA: Not all therapy is created equal (especially when your wounds are spiritual). Find a counselor who can help you to untangle the web of pain and confusion, the false narratives, the somatic distress… and walk with you gently towards greater wholeness. But, who is “right fit” for this kind of trauma?
Here are some tips for finding a compassionate, helpful, safe therapist:
Look for trauma-informed care
Church hurt is spiritual trauma. Spiritual trauma is legitimate trauma.
Ask a prospective counselor if they are trauma-informed and whether or not they have experience working with spiritual or religious abuse. Even better: find someone who understands complex trauma- the kind that happens in places that were meant to be safe.
Seek a therapist who honors your faith (even if it feels fragile)
It helps to have shared language. Finding a therapist who identifies as Christian can be helpful, but only if that therapist doesn’t endorse or repeat the harmful patterns of spiritual manipulation.
Ask questions about how they integrate faith with therapy. Don’t be afraid to share feedback or even walk away if their approach feels off.
Avoid quick fixes
You are allowed (and encouraged) to take your time. There is often a lot of “unlearning” that will be required in this process.
Forgiveness may come, but healing can’t be hurried.
Beware of voices who rush you to forgive or return to church without acknowledging the reality and depth of your pain. As previously stated, restoration doesn’t mean pretending it never happened.
To quote the brilliant Aundi Kolber (therapist and author):
“Try softer. Not harder.”
What if I am scared to go back to church or try again?
That’s okay.
You can take communion in your living room. You can pray on your bedroom floor. You can meet with God out in nature, in community with friends, in books, or in solitude.
Maybe someday you’ll find a church and faith community that feels safe again. One where honesty and compassion reign. One where you can exhale. But even if you don’t–God is still near.
“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:17)
A final word to the weary ones
I see you, dear soul.
You who once danced in pews and now flinch at sermons.
You who used to believe easily and now carry questions heavier than Sunday school answers.
You who are walking away- not from Jesus- but from those who distorted His love.
He walks with you still.
He can redeem, even this.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)
And comfort, even here, is still possible.
Written by Kegan Mosier, M.A, LPC, Clinical Supervisor, Internship Program Director
Take the Next Step in Your Healing Journey
Talking to someone who understands can make a world of difference. At Cornerstone Christian Counseling, we believe that asking for help is a reflection of God’s plan for us to live in the freedom He’s called us to.
If this blog resonated with you, or you’re feeling hurt by your church or spiritual community, we are here for you. Spiritual trauma is real trauma, and you deserve real care. With the right support, things really can get better.
Find a Christian Therapist
Research shows that the most impactful change in therapy comes when you feel understood by your therapist, with guidance that truly resonates with you. For this reason, we believe it’s crucial you find a therapist you can connect with—someone who truly “gets you.”
If you’re looking for a church hurt and trauma informed Christian therapist, there is counselor here for you. Reach out by clicking below.
Not sure where to start? Contact us!
