Pretending is Killing Your Soul

I had a rather interesting conversation with a young man flying back home from a tournament with his baseball team. Through awkward glances as he sat smashed between me and the window seat, I noticed he had a brace on his arm. “So, you’re a baseball player,” I affirmed. “Is that how you hurt your arm?” He glanced at me and said, “I pitch. Hurt my arm pretty bad. Out for the season.”

I commented that it must be hard to lose doing something you love. He looked back at me and said, “It’s just something I do. Baseball isn’t who I am.”

Pretty profound for a sophomore in high school.

Unlike my young philosopher on the flight, many of us are performing as if our life depends on it – because it’s become who we are. Our sense of self and value as a human being has become wholly dependent on it. We come into therapy worn out—not always from trauma or relationship issues, but from pretending.

We’re exhausted from shape-shifting, constantly playing the part of who we think we’re supposed to be. Like actors on a stage, we perform all day—then go home, fall apart, numb out, and wonder why we feel so empty.

We become pretenders living out a “false self.”

The false self is the version of us that we craft to survive. It’s built over years—even decades—sculpted by criticism, expectations, broken relationships, abandonment, overwork, religious pressure, or the need to belong.

We put on the mask and costume habitually until it becomes who we are, transcending our identity.

Some become the high-achieving professional. Others, the perfect parent, the endlessly agreeable partner, the winning athlete, or the untouchable spiritual leader. These identities may help us function, but they cost us authenticity, connection, and rest.

Here’s the deeper issue: we’ve reversed something sacred. We live as human doings, not human beings. Our “doing”—the roles we play, the success we chase—has become the definition of our “being.”
But when the doing fails or is stripped away, we crumble. Like a jar shattered, the fragments of our identity scatter and without “doing,” we’re left with nothing solid, nothing whole, nothing recognizable.

The true self isn’t something we create. It’s something we recover. It is who we were designed to be before fear, failure, and feedback rewrote the script. It is the person God crafted in His image: whole, gifted, deeply loved.

When we live from a place of “being”, our doing becomes expression, not performance. Because I am creative, I create. Because I am empathic, I counsel. Because I enjoy pouring into children, I teach. The output doesn’t define me—it flows from my very being.

The world tells us identity is something we discover or build. But Scripture tells a different story. Identity isn’t something we earn or construct—it’s something we receive.

To be “in Christ” is to be rooted in a new identity. It’s not just a label. It’s a reality—a transformation from the inside out. When we come to Christ, we are no longer defined by our past, our performance, or our pain. We are defined by who He is and what He has done.

In Christ, you are:
– A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
– Chosen and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)
– Redeemed and forgiven (Ephesians 1:7)
– A child of God (John 1:12)
– Seated with Him in heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6)

This isn’t religious rhetoric. It’s your spiritual DNA. When our identity is secured in Christ, the mask of pretending can finally come off. We no longer need to audition for our worth.

So if your “doing” identity has collapsed, you may be starting therapy feeling lost. As you work through finding identity in therapy, your counselor will help you:

– Identify the false selves you’ve constructed
– Grieve the cost of living from those false selves
– Anchor your identity in God’s design, not just your resume or reputation
– Rebuild a life that flows from truth, not fear

Here are some practical steps to consider as you begin the important work of living from your true self: