Before he died, a mentor of mine used to notice out loud how many people feel pressured to “look saved.” I found that to be a clever summary for a common experience.
He was referring to the inarticulate drive we feel to look like we’ve got it all together, because “God will prosper you in everything you do” (Deut. 30:9) right? If we’re grinding in some area of life, we interpret that to mean that we’re doing it wrong, or maybe even that God isn’t with us.
Trauma has a way of reshaping how we see ourselves, our spouses, and the world around us. It can whisper lies that we’re unworthy, that intimacy is dangerous, and that trust is impossible. It lingers in our minds, weaving fear and uncertainty into our relationships. When unresolved, it can lead to emotional distance, unhealthy patterns, and painful cycles of miscommunication.
4 tips to navigate stress
Feeling stressed is a normal human experience. Instead of feeling ashamed, we can embrace our experience of stress in healthy ways that are grounded in Biblical principles.
1) Get Specific
I have a fun agreement with some of my clients that they aren’t allowed to use words like “stressed,” “annoyed,” or “frustrated.” Not because they aren’t allowed to feel them, but because those words are often too vague.
I comically had a client once describe getting laid off from his job as “frustrating.” “Frustrated” is what you feel when you get stuck at a red light, not the expected emotion upon suddenly losing your source of income.
As we dug down, we discovered that he was actually holding rage at the injustice and terror around his inability to provide for his family…A ways away from “frustrated!”
We do something similar with “stress.” As it’s practically used, “I feel stressed” means mostly “I feel discomfort,” but it doesn’t communicate any real information about the cause or nature of the discomfort.
Do you feel afraid, sad, angry, helpless, hopeless, weak, inadequate…? Numerous studies have underlined the value of getting specific in labeling emotions for calming our nervous system. We are wired to feel more empowered to handle something identifiable, something with boundaries, an outline, and a name.
By definition, we can’t handle something vague, amorphous, shape-shifting, cloudy, or unknown. In Genesis 2, Adam was told by God to name the animals, which is a Biblical way of implying authority over creation. Similarly, parents name their children. Why? Because they have authority over them to do so.
Naming a feeling is the first step to regaining authority over your life, because only then do you have a clear sense of what it is you’re dealing with.
2) Reframe it
I often discover with clients that they judge themselves against an unspoken, subconscious assumption that being in pain, (or even sometimes going to pieces) somehow makes them a bad Christian.
But suffering is part of the human condition, and you’re not wrong for feeling or acknowledging that you are distressed. Feeling anguished, anxious, afraid, sad, or any other painful emotion does not mean that you lack faith.
Jesus himself wept in the gospels, he fell under the weight of the cross and needed help carrying it up to Golgotha, and was so anxious and afraid that he sweat blood in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Jesus shows us that faith in God does not demand that you stuff what you really feel and put on a brave face (or “look saved”!).
“In my distress I called to the Lord…” says the Psalmist (118:5). In my distress…in the Bible, faith does not signify the absence of difficulty, but perseverance and trust in God precisely while we are enduring it.
3) Build an “Altar”
In the Old Testament, when God did something important, His people built an altar. Abraham builds an altar when God makes promises to him (Gen. 12:7). Moses builds an altar when God brings Israel through the Red Sea (Ex. 17:5).
These are sometimes called “altars of witness,” because they function as reminders of God’s faithfulness, and inviting a similar response of faithfulness to him.
You’re probably not going around building literal altars in your life, but we can (and probably should!) do the same thing in principle. We all have memories when it seemed like things were totally lost or messed up, and God came through for us, and the situation was resolved well, or better than we expected.
It’s important to stake a flag in those moments so that you can remember them when times get difficult again. It’s a way of saying “God saved me at that time, and I have no reason to believe that he’ll drop the ball this time, because He is faithful.”
4) Name the Shame
A case could be made that shame is the most painful of any emotion. That’s because we are hardwired to seek out other people when we feel distress in order to receive help, support, comfort, and resources.
Shame is what we feel when we perceive that we are alone, alienated, cut off from other people, in our own silo trying to make-do by ourselves. Shame says “nobody is coming to help you.”
Shame is like a signal flare that you can’t go on much longer without something changing. Beneath many of our struggles, beneath our “stress,” there is usually a subtle feeling of shame, a quiet whisper (or sometimes a deafening shout) that you’d better figure this out because you’re all alone.
Shame is famously what Adam and Eve experience in the Garden in Genesis 2, and it drives them away from God who is concernedly looking for them. In many ways it is the issue that the rest of the story of the Bible is addressing through the story of God’s faithfulness to Israel, and to the world.
To put it bluntly: God does not want you to feel shame, and he’s gone to considerable length to remind you that actually, you’re not alone, because he is Emmanuel -God with us (Mt. 1:23).
Christian Counseling can help
These recommendations can be easier said than done, and we can all use a little help sometimes, particularly if we’re feeling very alone in our stress.
Counseling can help in two ways. First, your counselor can, in a way, tangibly embody the compassionate and wise presence of God, coming alongside us in our struggle.
Second, counselors possess a unique set of skills to help you go deeper, and get at the root causes of things like persistent or debilitating stress. I myself am what is called an “experiential-oriented therapist,” which means that rather than just talking through your struggles, I will help you feel through them.
I do this primarily through “somatic” work–which means working with how emotional difficulties manifest or get stuck in the body, and through “psychodynamic” work- which means accessing and shifting the unconscious mind, which influences every area of our lives.
But regardless of who you seek for therapy, help and healing are never out of reach.
Building a Support System Rooted in Faith
FIND A CHRISTIAN THERAPIST
Research shows that the most impactful change in therapy comes when you feel understood by your therapist, with guidance that truly resonates with you. For this reason, we believe it’s crucial you find a therapist you can connect with—someone who truly “gets you.”
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