A Refresh on Identity and the Labels We Own
When I was working for a Fortune 1000 investment company, I was one of only a handful of women in leadership. I remember a particular colleague where the relationship always felt slightly off. I couldn’t quite name it, so I brought it up to my boss. She listened, nodded, and finally said, “Well, Jo… people see you as intimidating.” Among her advice was to “smile more, and wear less black.” (Insert eye roll here.)
And there it was — a label handed to me in a single sentence. One I didn’t ask for, but one I carried.
From that moment, I adjusted. Less speaking up. Less offering direction. More smiling. More softening. High anxiety. Smiling isn’t the issue; it was the shrinking that troubled me. I had a job to do, but I had quietly absorbed someone else’s interpretation of me as if it were fact. Needless to say, that lasted about a week. It was totally inauthentic. And face it, you look clueless sitting in a meeting, smiling while the market dives.
Eventually, I realized “intimidating” wasn’t a reflection of my character. It reflected my colleague’s discomfort.
But by then, I had already internalized the label. And like so many people do, especially those who’ve been told they’re “too much” or who carry quiet narratives like “you’re too loud,” “you’re too shy,” “you’re hyper,” or worse “you’re lazy,” — I let someone else’s assessment shape how I entered a room.
That’s the power of identity stories. We don’t just hear them. We adjust to them.
The Labels We Own Without Question
Most identity distortion doesn’t come from dramatic events. It comes from subtle, repeated messages like:
- “You’re intimidating.”
- “You’re too emotional.”
- “You should tone it down.”
- “You’re too loud.”
- “You’re too shy.”
- “You probably have ADHD.”
- “You don’t fit the mold.”
- “You’re too direct.”
These comments rarely stay in the moment they were spoken. They build scripts.
And over time, those scripts shape how we show up at work, in leadership, in relationships, and even in our faith.
Labels From Family, Friends, and Upbringing
Some labels come from colleagues and some come from home. From childhood. From the systems we grew up in. Family labels sink the deepest because they arrive before we’ve developed discernment or a sense of self.
You may have heard:
- “You’re the emotional one.”
- “You’re the dramatic one.”
- “You’re the quiet one.”
- “You’re the difficult one.”
- “You’re the responsible one.”
- “Your brother is the smart one.” or “Your sister is the pretty one.”
- “You’re the strong one — you don’t need support.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You always overreact.”
Family labels often become lifelong assignments. The “responsible one” becomes the over-functioning adult who never rests. The “strong one” becomes the person who never asks for help. The “dramatic one” grows into someone who distrusts their own feelings. The “quiet one” struggles to take up space.
These labels were never meant to define us, they were simply someone’s perception at a moment in time.
How We Counter Family Labels:
- Identify the role or label you were handed.
- Ask whether it was ever true — or simply convenient for that system.
- Name how it shaped your adulthood.
- Replace the role or label with truth, not reaction.
- Let God define what family once declared.
Labels From Work and Professional Spaces
Workplace labels carry weight because they affect opportunity, credibility, and influence. And too often, professionals, especially women, receive labels that have nothing to do with competence and everything to do with someone else’s discomfort.
You may have heard:
- “You’re intimidating.”
- “You’re too direct.”
- “You need to soften your presence.”
- “You’re too intense.”
- “You’re not polished enough.”
- “You’re too timid.”
- “You’re outspoken.”
Sometimes these labels reflect genuine skill gaps. But more often, they reflect bias, insecurity, or a narrow picture of what leadership “should” look like.
How We Counter Workplace Labels:
- Separate feedback from interpretation.
- Ask whether the source is credible and emotionally mature.
- Ask for examples! You can’t change what you don’t see.
- Discern whether the label aligns with your character or their comfort.
- Keep what’s useful; release what’s untrue.
- Don’t shrink to fit someone else’s insecurity.
Why We Shrink (Even When We Know Better)
It’s easy to assume that confident, capable adults are immune to labels. They’re not.
We shrink because:
- We’ve learned to maintain the peace.
- We’ve been told our personality is “too much.”
- We’ve internalized old stories from childhood or adolescence.
- We want to be accepted.
- We fear being misunderstood or mischaracterized.
- We’ve been told our strength is a flaw.
Shrinking is not always conscious. Sometimes it’s simply the result of carrying an interpretation of ourselves that was never ours to carry.
The Christian Identity Lens (Straight Talk From Truth)
Scripture does not define people by their labels.
God never looked at Moses and said, “You’re too insecure.” He said, “I will be with you.”
He didn’t tell Gideon, “You’re not enough.” He called him a mighty warrior before he ever acted like one.
He didn’t tell Peter, “You’re too impulsive.” He told him he would build the Church.
God deals in identity, not impressions.
And He never hands out identity statements rooted in someone else’s comfort level.
Identity in Christ is not fragile. It does not depend on whether someone finds us approachable, soft, agreeable, or “non-intimidating.”
Identity is not something we negotiate. It is something we receive.
“Who Told You That?” God’s First Identity Question
When Adam and Eve hid, God asked a question He already knew the answer to:
“Who told you that?” (Genesis 3:11)
It wasn’t a question of shame; it was a question of misplaced authority.
Whose voice shaped how you see yourself?
Who gave you that label?
Who decided you were too much, or not enough?
The question is still relevant.
Rewriting the Internal Narrative
Changing your identity story isn’t about ignoring feedback or refusing growth. It’s about clarity.
Here’s a grounded process that fits real life:
- Name the label you’ve been carrying.
- Identify the source. Is it credible? Is it emotionally mature? Is it aligned with who God says you are?
- Discern whether it matches truth. Not emotion. Not insecurity. Not workplace politics. Truth.
- Reclaim how you show up. Strength is not sin. Clarity is not aggression. Competence is not intimidation. Calling is not conceit.
You can lead without shrinking. You can speak without apologizing for existing. You can show up as the person God designed without editing yourself for someone else’s comfort.
Owning Who I Am
There’s also this: this took some time for me. After all, you don’t get to the chair without spending a good amount of time on the couch. I had to do the work. Now I own who I am, and this is a significant part of why I’m effective as a therapist. What you see is what you get. I don’t pretend. I don’t posture. I don’t shape-shift to fit the room. I model authenticity, the kind that comes from knowing who you are and who you’re not. Clients don’t need a diluted version of me. They need someone grounded, honest, and fully present. Shrinking doesn’t help anyone; integrity does.
The older I get, the more convinced I am that most of the labels people hand out have more to do with them than with the person receiving them. “Intimidating” was never my identity. It was someone’s reaction to a smart, powerful, passionate leader. And reactions are not a reliable source of truth.
I also think it’s funny what people choose to fixate on. In every company I’ve ever worked for, someone eventually noted that I “wear a lot of black.” They weren’t wrong. It’s the one thing I never negotiated. I’ll keep wearing it until someone invents something darker. Now that I’m older, it’s not a phase. It’s my signature.
And that’s the point: You don’t owe anyone a softer version of who God made you to be.
If you’ve spent years shrinking, softening, or second-guessing because of a label someone spoke over you, it may be time to put it down. Not out of defiance, but out of integrity — authenticity.
Lead as the person God designed, without apology, without shrinking, and without carrying someone else’s assessment as if it’s truth.
Written by Jo Martin, MA, CMHC, LPC, NBCC, Principal Business Consultant
Don't Live Under the Wrong Labels
Old labels lose their power when you speak them out loud in a safe place. Our Christian counselors can help you process your story with insight, honesty, and faith-centered care so you can move forward with strength and freedom.
