I will never forget the sinking feeling in my stomach, walking away from a therapy session that went about as badly as it could have gone. In a couples session with my husband, everything had gone off the rails. The therapist’s advice made a frustrating conflict worse. Everything we said in the session was escalated by either us, or the therapist involved. Had we done something wrong? Was it bad that I never wanted to see my therapist again? The feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment about everything that had been said in the session were intense. My therapist even called in concern after the session, and I found myself barely wanting to talk about my feelings or what had gone wrong. I just wanted to get off the phone and pretend it had never happened.
As I have learned from many of my own clients, though I did not know it at the time, I was not alone in having a therapy session that left a bad taste in my mouth and feelings of nausea every time it came to mind. A bad session—or worse, a bad season of therapy—can be an incredibly painful experience that leaves lasting scars and dramatically affects all future attempts at therapy as well.
People have bad experiences with therapists for all kinds of reasons, and clients can be scared to ever try again. It can be excruciating to open yourself up in vulnerability to someone new, only to find yourself stuck, confused, or feeling even more hurt than when you started. Here are some actions you can take to recover from the experience and ensure a better outcome when you’re ready to try again.
Know that It’s Not your Fault
Therapy is a human relationship, and like all human relationships—sometimes it can go sideways, even with everyone trying their best. Sometimes the therapist was not a good fit. Perhaps your therapist was having a bad day. Maybe they use a method of therapy that is not quite right for you. If you feel up to it, communicating to your therapist what went wrong and how you were hurt can be an incredibly validating and healing experience. Therapists are flawed, like all people, and many of them will be incredibly grateful to you for giving them the opportunity to make it right. If you do not feel up to it, you should feel proud of yourself for recognizing something that was not working for you and doing what you need to in order to take care of yourself. In my own case, ruminating about what I might have done wrong was not helpful to healing or to finding a new therapist.
Separate Your Therapist from the Entire Field
The world of psychology and clinical mental health is vast, and there are just as many types of therapy as there are therapists who apply it. It can be easy to decide that a bad experience in therapy means the entire field is broken. Talking to people who’ve had positive experiences can help you understand what good therapy feels like and introduce you to the incredible number of different treatments that exist. Even a great therapist can create a bad time unintentionally when there is a mismatch between what they offer individually and what the clients need.
Check The Credentials of Your Therapist
It is also worth checking on the credentials of your past therapist to understand what their specific training is. For Christian counseling specifically, a lot of people do not understand that a Biblical counselor or a pastor is not the same as a licensed mental health counselor. Biblical counselors and pastors can be great for spiritual guidance and Biblical leadership, but they do not have training in mental illness. In the case of couples, a marriage and family therapist or a therapist with specific training in couples and relationships is ideal—something most therapists will specify in their bio information. Spiritual leadership is great, but going to a Biblical counselor for relational or mental health issues can be a bit like going to a yoga instructor because you have heart problems—it can support your overall health and may even be beneficial, but it is unlikely to tackle the specific underlying issue. God works through doctors for medical problems, and He works through trained therapists for mental health issues.
Make a list of the issues you want to address in therapy, such as trauma, neurodivergence, relational problems, family dysfunction, anxiety, or depression. Did your therapist specialize in those? My personal therapist had specialized in many things, but couples was not one of them. Knowing that helped me to make sense of my entire situation.
Know the Rules and Ethics of Therapy
I don’t know how many times I have heard my own clients reference a situation with another therapist that was considered completely unethical in the field of therapy. Two of the most common boundaries I see crossed are around double-relationships (knowing your therapist outside of therapy in any way) and confidentiality. Unlike a pastor or Biblical counselor, your mental health therapist should not be someone you have connections with outside of therapy. This protects you from feeling exposed or manipulated by someone who has access to the rest of your life. Therapists are not supposed to have a relationship of any kind with a client for at least 5 years after their relationship has ended. That means I can’t go to my clients for a hair cut, and I don’t see people I go to church with.
Additionally, a therapist should not reveal any of the information from your session to friends or family without explicit permission from you except in cases of threat or legal requirements. I once had clients tell me that their mother’s therapist had been coming to family dinners for years and had told the entire family when their mother revealed financial information in session! They were shocked when I told them this was not allowed—and a therapist could even lose their license over such behavior. (A complete licensed professional counselors can be found here, and a list for marriage and family therapists can be found here)
In my specific case, my therapist had crossed a minor ethical boundary. While it is not strictly forbidden in the therapy field, couples therapists are taught that it is not the best to counsel someone in couples therapy when you have already seen them individually. It can create bias and poor decision-making on the part of even the best intended therapist. Personally, I refer all of my individual clients to other therapists when they want to move to couples work. If I see an individual from a couple, I warn them that I will never return to being their couples therapist again. My personal experience makes this a hard rule in my own practice.
Figure out exactly what Happened
It can be helpful to sit down with a friend to discuss what might have happened. What did your therapist specialize in and was it a good match for what you needed? When did therapy start to feel like it wasn’t right? Was there anything specific that was said and done that caused the hurt? Looking back, what do you wish your therapist had done or said differently? Talking your experience over with someone who has some experience of therapy or who has a good perspective from the outside can help you feel validated in your experience, and understand exactly what the problem was. When I was recovering from my poor therapy experience, it really helped to hear other people’s opinions on what was normal and not.
It helped me to realize that my therapist was quite good at therapy, but she had made a couple of basic mistakes. Couples work was outside of her specific training, and counseling me and my husband after seeing me individually was not ideal. She was well-trained for individual therapy, but when I begged her to do couples therapy with me and my husband, she had agreed to help me out from a place of compassion. I had not wanted to find a new therapist when I was so comfortable with her, and she had not anticipated the problems that would arise as someone untrained in couples work. It was a relief to know my initial life-changing experience with her was just as valid as the feeling that she had failed me. My therapist had wanted to help and was only doing what I had asked. Even good therapists can make mistakes.
Take Action to Find a Better Experience Next Time
Take what you learned from processing the experience to make a plan for the next time you want to seek therapy. Maybe you need someone who specializes in trauma, or you do better with a gentler personality. Perhaps someone closer to your own age would work better. Think through what would make this experience feel fundamentally different and write out what that kind of therapy or therapist might look like.
The next time I sought out a therapist, I called multiple therapists and interviewed them to find out what they specialized in and to check to see if they were a good personal fit for me. Just coming in with a plan made me feel so much more empowered than I had the first time. Finding a therapist can be scary for a lot of people, but having a clear picture of what you are looking for and hearing several different voices can alleviate a lot of that anxiety.
Share Your Experience with Others
Therapy is a highly individual and private experience—no wonder so many people do not know what they are getting into when they try it for the first time! Talking about therapy experiences and what works and does not work can increase awareness, education, and the likelihood that everyone will find a better therapy experience the next time around.
Written by Andi Anderson, MA, LPCC, MFTC
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