Power struggles happen in every home — over shoes, screens, snacks, homework, or getting out the door. If you’ve ever found yourself in a standoff with your child, wondering how something so small turned into something so big, you’re not alone. The good news is power struggles aren’t a sign you’re doing something wrong — they’re an opportunity to understand what your child really needs.
"Why Does My Child Always Argue with Me?"
In my experience working with children and teenagers in the counseling room, I hear about these power struggles all the time, usually followed by statements about how their parents aren’t listening to them. I frequently hear children say things like “It’s not fair!” or “They just don’t understand me.” Most children will seek increased autonomy and test boundaries as they grow up. This is a normal experience for families. Discovering ways to better approach and understand your child’s big emotions will help them grow up to be a self-aware and emotionally intelligent person.
Power struggles can drain your energy, strain your relationship with your child, and make everyday routines feel harder than they need to be. When children do not feel heard and respected, they are less likely to be respectful and willing to collaborate with their parents. Thankfully, there are simple strategies that can turn those standoffs into moments of collaboration. Here’s how to start shifting the dynamic today.
How to Handle Power Struggles Without Losing Your Cool
Try these strategies to help decrease the intensity of a power struggle:
- Stay regulated. Your child will mirror your behavior over time, and if they are able to see you staying calm in the heat of a moment, they will learn to regulate themselves better as well. Practice taking deep breaths in frustrating situations in front of your children, and you’ll begin to see them do the same. Take a deep breath and speak quietly, yet firmly.
- Get on their level. Sit with your child or kneel down to be face-to-face with them. This technique builds safety and trust and communicates that you are willing to meet them where they are. When a parent is towering over a child, their nervous system may be communicating to them that they are not safe or are being threatened. Being on the same level as them will allow their nervous system to step out of fight or flight mode and increase their ability to connect.
- Validate, validate, validate. Your child wants to know that you are hearing them and trying to understand what they are going through. For example, you could say, “I can see that you are mad right now because of __________. It makes sense that you would feel that way.” This will not only help them feel seen and understood, but will also help them develop a greater emotional vocabulary, so they can begin telling you how they feel with their words, rather than their actions.
- Offer support and guidance. Your child is still learning how to regulate their emotions so they need an adult who is willing to sit with them and teach them ways to deal with their big feelings. For example, say, “I am here for you. It is okay to be upset, but it is not okay to throw things. Let’s find another way to get your anger out and help you feel calm again.” Providing alternatives to negative behavior will teach them coping strategies to try next time they are feeling the same big emotions.
How to Reduce Power Struggles and Strengthen Your Connection
Of course, an ounce of prevention is always worth a pound of cure, so here are some strategies to use to help decrease the frequency of power struggles in your home and increase your connection with your child.
- Give choices. Children desire to feel control over their lives. Instead of telling them what to do, provide kids with multiple options. When they make a decision, this will improve their self confidence, allow them to feel in control, and can still achieve your desired outcome. Some examples include: “Would you like to take a bath and then read a book OR read a book and then take a bath?” or “Are we going to skip to the car or tiptoe to the car?” Both choices are acceptable to you while still giving your child some freedom.
- Communicate clearly. Your kids will feel more prepared when they know what to expect. Clear expectations are important because children will feel blindsided or confused when they get in trouble for something they were not aware was an expectation of yours. For example, give them a 5 to 10-minute warning before leaving the park or remind them about the plans for the day multiple times so there are no surprises.
- Give responsibilities. Allow your child to take responsibility for some tasks around the house or in their room. Even the youngest toddlers can begin to learn how to put away their toys or throw away their trash after a snack. When children feel important and helpful, they are more likely to cooperate and participate positively.
- Love on them. Build a connection with your child. Spend intentional time engaging in activities they enjoy and entering into their world each day. Just 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with your child each day will dramatically improve your bond. The strong bond you build with your child will allow for them to trust you and feel safe when big emotions arise.
Shifting the Dynamic: From “You vs. Me” to “We”
Power struggles don’t disappear overnight, but each moment of connection, empathy, and collaboration makes a difference. When you shift from trying to win the battle to trying to understand your child, you build a relationship where cooperation grows naturally.
Remember, progress is made in small, consistent steps. You’ve got this, and your child is learning right along with you.
Written by Maggie Hanna, MA, LPCC
Strengthen Your Connection With Your Child
Navigating power struggles can feel exhausting, but you don’t have to do it alone. At Cornerstone Christian Counseling, we believe God calls us to guide our children with patience, wisdom, and love.
If you’re facing daily battles over homework, bedtime, or screen time, we’re here to help. With compassionate, faith-informed support, your child can learn to express big emotions in healthy ways, and you can build a stronger, more cooperative relationship — rooted in trust, connection, and God’s grace.
