“Man, why am I even trying? I’m never going to learn.”
“Everyone hates me.”
“Things are never going to get better.”
You’ve probably heard someone say or have said something like this to yourself before. Some people call this type of negative thinking a fixed mindset, cognitive distortions, self-defeating thoughts, or even irrational beliefs. In the counseling world, we recognize them as maladaptive thought patterns. No matter what you call them, the end is all the same — they are unhelpful, negative, and take away from your well being.
The Science and Psychology behind Negative Thinking
If they’re so unproductive, why do our brains jump to these maladaptive thoughts so easily? Just like everything in psychology, this is a complex answer with multiple, overlapping answers. To start with, these thoughts are typically triggered by some sort of negative event — whether big or small.
Dr. Paul Conti, a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma, explains that oftentimes our brain will try to make sense of an event, even if there is no sense in it. As human beings, we often like to believe we have control over everything, when in reality, we have control over very little (Proverbs 16:9). With this mistaken idea that we have control over most of our lives, it makes sense we tend to automatically blame ourselves. In the short term, these thoughts can be useful, helping us to find the “why” or meaning behind a painful experience. However, in the long term, these thoughts often do more harm than good.
Once we form an initial thought, we tend to repeat it (or similar ways of thinking) over and over. From a scientific perspective, our brain consists of neural pathways that transmit messages. For some of us, these messages may be a series of negative thought patterns. The more we repeat these messages to ourselves, the stronger this neural pathway becomes, eventually becoming automatic.
Do you ever take the long way home from work, or do you tend to take the shortcut? If you’re like me, probably the shortcut. Our brains are exactly the same. We like efficiency. The tendency to blame ourselves or look down on ourselves becomes easier and more automatic. This is what we call a feedback loop. The more you participate in negative thinking patterns, the easier it becomes.
Rewiring Your Mind is Hard Work!
This habitual mental shortcut might feel scary or even frustrating. “If it’s automatic, then I can’t fix it!” But I promise you, you can. Just like you built the original neural pathway of negativity, you can build new ones — positive pathways that focus on a growth mindset, that see you as a child of God, and that recognize mistakes are just mistakes, not life-defining.
Studies show that no matter how old or young you are, it is possible to build new neural connections — a process called neuroplasticity. However, it takes effort. Think of it like digging a hole: every time you repeat a negative cognition, you’re taking out another scoop of dirt. To change course, we have to do the hard work of filling that hole back in. Adding ten scoops of dirt is a good start, and you may notice a difference in the size of the hole. But to fill it completely, it takes practice, repetition, and time — so here are 5 practical steps to begin your journey.
1. Recognize When Negative Thoughts Arise
The first thing you can do is start recognizing your maladaptive thoughts. There is a range of maladaptive thought patterns that can be sorted into categories. Check out this list of common irrational thoughts and their definitions.
Write down a list of cognitive distortions (on paper or in your phone) that you see pop up most in your thoughts. (It’s okay if it feels like a lot because they often overlap.) You can even write down examples of each distortion so you can recognize them more easily.
2. Respond with Kindness, Not Shame
I’ve experienced my own fair share of maladaptive thoughts that stem from childhood. I once had a therapist who told me to stand up to my negative thoughts — to yell at them and tell them to shut up. At first, this confused me. After all, these thoughts were still a part of me, so if I was mean back to them, wouldn’t I just be feeding the negativity even more?
I’ve since adopted a different approach that has worked better for me — I hope it will for you too. Instead of reacting with anger, try responding to these thoughts with kindness. Many of these negative voices probably stem from trauma, anxiety, or other painful experiences, possibly even from childhood. Now, imagine a friend or loved one came to you saying they felt stupid, hopeless, or worthless. How would you respond? With empathy, kindness, and love, right? Treat your own thoughts the same way.
Instead of getting angry with yourself when these thoughts appear, try responding with the same grace you would give others. For me, this tends to look something like this: “Hmm, I know I’m having a really hard day today, and that’s probably why I’m blaming myself for all these small things. I know this is just a passing moment, and I don’t deserve to be treated like this.” You can use my response or create your own, but the point is to take out the shame and anger. By doing this, you will de-escalate rather than add fuel to your negative thoughts.
3. Explore What’s Behind These Thoughts
Maladaptive thoughts often have a root or multiple roots of some kind. While you can work on the coping skills mentioned above without exploring the root causes, finding closure and healing from old wounds can help further your progress.
Exploring your past can help you identify how your thoughts are connected and why they continue to present today. It can also help you figure out why some topics are so triggering for your negative thoughts and can give you greater insight into how to respond to them.
4. Share Your Struggles with Someone You Trust
As human beings, we are designed to have connection, God created Eve because Adam was not fully content being alone. Whether this is a trusted friend, family member, or therapist, verbalizing your thoughts and emotions can have a drastic impact on you.
In a Huberman Lab podcast, Dr. Conti discusses the power of talking about your negative thoughts and trauma. As a counselor, I have commonly seen my clients find insight and courage after sharing the heavy burden they’ve been living with.
5. Get Help With Your Mental Health
If maladaptive thoughts are something you currently struggle with, please consider seeking professional support to guide you through the healing process. At Cornerstone Christian Counseling, we believe that asking for help is a reflection of God’s plan for us to live in the freedom He’s called us to.
In a judgment-free and loving environment, we can process the emotions surrounding these thoughts and work on replacing them with helpful ones. Let’s figure out what works for you and address barriers together when they arise. There is a strength in knowing you are not alone — that someone sees you, understands your struggles, and still loves you and affirms your worthiness in the Lord’s eyes. Together, we’ve got this.
Written by Eiryn Rogers, MA, LPCC, RMHCI
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