“Your dad rang my doorbell yesterday while you were at work. He couldn’t remember how to turn off the windshield wipers on his car.” My neighbor wasn’t judging me or Dad. His message was gentle and clear: Dad should not be driving his car anymore.
I moved in to care for my mother 4 years earlier due to her disability. Mom passed away, but my father wasn’t able to maintain the house or live by himself due to his progressing dementia. In many ways he seemed fine, but there were times when he would leave a pot cooking dry on the stove or a hose running full blast in the yard. His car was what he was least willing to surrender.
Caring for an aging loved one is difficult on many levels. We have a ringside seat as we watch them slowly unwind into someone very different from who we remember them to be. My mother was incredibly beloved in her community. She was a beacon of sunshine, enthusiasm, and love. Chronic pain changed her. As her primary caregiver, I took the brunt of her sadness and her anger due to her pain and feelings of powerlessness. My sister insisted I put her in a nursing home, but I couldn’t bear to do that to her against her will.
Here are a few things I learned from my years caring for my parents at home.
You Are Doing the Best You Can
As we age, food doesn’t taste like we remember. We lose control of our bodies in alarming and embarrassing ways. Technology changes continually and even simple things like using the TV remote become beyond our ability. Everything feels confusing. Every small change feels like a rung stolen from our ladder. This often makes our loved one incredibly cranky. They take it out on us because we are the one person on whom they know they can depend.
When your loved one lashes out, reject the temptation to beat yourself up. No matter how amazing you are (and you’re amazing!), you can NOT stop this process from happening. Remember that they are not mad at you — they are mad at the reality of their current situation. They are lashing out at you because you are there. If you are caring for a parent, think about how you often behaved similarly when you were a teenager — or maybe that was just me.
There is no magical threshold beyond which your loved one will magically become satisfied with your efforts. They are unhappy and unable to change their circumstances. You did not create this, you cannot control this, and you cannot cure this. You are doing the best you can, and it is enough.
Emotions are More Important than Logic
My sister tried to care for our father in her own home for what was supposed to be four weeks. She tried to reason with Dad. He became irate or sneaky, doing as he wanted as soon as her back was turned. She would argue with him, and he would have no idea what she was talking about. She felt angry and overwhelmed. After 72 hours, she put him in her car and drove twelve hours to bring him home to me.
Arguing with a person who struggles with dementia makes the situation worse. As soon as you convince them of your point, they forget what you were talking about and go right back to the beginning — this time feeling angry, sad, or anxious. The kindest way to handle these situations is to ask the following questions:
- What’s the worst thing that could happen if I let her have her way?
- If he’s insisting on something that’s not possible or reasonable, how can I redirect him to a better option?
- How can I keep him happy and peaceful without difficult consequences?
The last six months of my father’s life, he lived primarily on ice cream. That’s all he wanted to eat. Why would I fight him on this? If I live to be 95 years old and I weigh 127 pounds, I will do the same thing. If at all possible, let go of the battle.
The Art of Giving Choices
If he’s refusing to do something that must be done, try giving him three choices:
- He does it himself (if he’s able and you can ensure it’s actually being done).
- You do it for him.
- You call a care agency, and a total stranger can come into the house and do this with him.
Figure out what motivates your loved one. If her greatest fear is going into a nursing home, explain that if she won’t bathe at least once a week (or whatever the struggle might be), that is where she will have to go.
My father insisted to the very end that he was capable of driving his car. We had small children in our neighborhood who often played together in the street, so I was unwilling to take the chance of him accidentally hurting one of them. After the conversation with our neighbor, I hid his car keys. Whenever he announced, “I’m going to the store!” I would reply with surprise, “Oh, did you find your car keys?” He would spend an hour searching, wear himself out, and take a nap. Get creative. It’s kinder than arguing or taking the risk of them hurting themselves and others.
In my early 20’s, I cared for an elderly woman with dementia. She would drink a four-ounce glass of wine at bedtime and then take the sleeping pill I had laid out for her before leaving each night. She began drinking more and more wine each night without realizing the quantity. Then she’d take the pill and take a hot bath before finally falling asleep in the early morning hours. I became very afraid of what I would find when I returned to work each morning! I had that horrible scene from The Shining with the old woman in the bathtub stuck in my head.
Her family did not share my concern, so I found a clever way to solve the problem. I began giving her the sleeping pill with her dessert after dinner. Then I took the wine bottle and filled it half-way with white grape juice. In 24 hours, I solved the problem without an argument, and she was never distressed about the loss of her nightly ritual.
Do your best to help your loved one keep his or her feelings of autonomy while solving the underlying problem. This is kinder than arguing with them about their autonomy and abilities.
Take Some Time for Yourself
Unless you have walked this road, it can be difficult to understand how exhausting it can be to carry this emotional load 24/7, 365 days a year. It can consume your thoughts. The inevitable surprises can be awful and heartbreaking. Therefore, anytime someone says, “How can I help?” be quick to ask them, “When can you come over and spend time with _____?” They can watch a game show together, play dominoes, or go through old photographs. Take a few hours for yourself, do anything that feels replenishing, and don’t feel guilty about it! If you need to, pay someone. It is worth it.
Sometimes, Medication is a Blessing
I have never been big on taking medication unless it is absolutely necessary, so when I suggest you talk to your loved one’s doctor about prescribing them an antidepressant or antianxiety medication, I am doing so with the utmost concern for the well-being of both your loved one and you. My mother absolutely refused to take one, but my father was unaware his doctor had added it to his medications. The effect was amazing. He was no longer angry and critical. He became happy and peaceful. That made it easier for me to be patient and kind towards him. It became much easier for me to care for him.
It Will Never Be Easier Than It Is Right Now
Regardless of the change, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. If you are over the age of 65, consider moving to a smaller home without stairs, or moving closer to one of your younger relatives. Move when you are still able to drive, find a new church, and make friends. If you wait for the medical diagnosis or accident to happen, it may happen at the worst possible time, and your options may be greatly reduced. You may find yourself without the social support you need. As we age, we need an advocate we can trust to help us navigate the complexities of life. Decide who that advocate will be and move near them or move them near you.
In closing, caring for a loved one can bring great blessings with the struggle. I learned deep and complete forgiveness, compassion, patience, and gentleness, which have impacted every aspect of my life. My parents are gone, but these gifts are mine to keep. It was all worth it.
Written by Cathleen Olney, MA, LPC
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