“Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it” (Rafiki, The Lion King)”
As I survey the garden of my heart over this last year, I see a mixed crop: beautiful growth intertwined with some weeds. There have been professional successes, but also unkept promises to myself. I see moments of deep connection with my family, but also times when I’ve acted out of self-betrayal, used unkind words, or sought empty validation. These “weeds” are the mistakes I’ve made—if I let them take root, they could easily lead to unforgiveness within myself. Do you resonate with this picture too, dear reader?
I’ve chosen the word “TEND” for my 2025, an intentional practice of nurturing my heart, tending to the growth and the weeds alike. I want to cultivate self-forgiveness, which requires seeing and accepting my mistakes, then releasing the anger and self-condemnation that block my growth. My friend Kendra puts it beautifully: “I am learning over and over again that it is only from tilling the soil of myself that I can contribute authentically to our collective story.”
In the middle of parable of the Sower, the Loving “True Vine” Himself (John 15:1) says this:
“As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Some seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop a hundred, sixty, or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear”
(Matthew 13:4-9).
As I reflect on my own heart, I see both thriving and withering. Self-forgiveness is how I tend to the more “difficult” soil of my heart, creating space to receive God’s grace and the seeds He desires to plant within me. Without self-forgiveness, I can inadvertently block the very invitation that brings the deepest healing. For some, this block looks like a loss of connection with others. For others, it could lead to anxiety, inaction, debilitating shame, or self-harm.
The act of self-forgiveness is vital—it’s an act of liberation. Forgiving yourself involves a courageous willingness to hold guilt, shame, and self-judgment in tension with compassion, tenderness, and curiosity. As I practice receiving God’s forgiveness, I find I can offer that same compassion to myself, creating an internal sense of unity, confidence, and joy.
Simply put, self-forgiveness is about “changing my mind” towards myself—releasing anger and resentment, and making space to receive the transformational grace of God.
This involves acknowledging my mistakes, taking responsibility for them, and challenging self-critical messages and replacing them with narratives that are more in alignment with what God says about me.
I know that in many Christian circles, the idea of focusing on “self” can feel uncomfortable and repulsive. We’ve often been taught that “forgiving yourself” isn’t Biblical, or that we should focus solely on God’s forgiveness. But, self-forgiveness is a Biblical principle because forgiven people become forgiving people and Jesus commands us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). I’ve learned through the course of my life and relationships that I cannot love others well if I struggle to love or forgive myself. Dr. Curt Thompson explains the importance of remembering when it comes to forgiveness:
“We have often heard the phrase ‘forgive and forget. And we get it. The phrase reflects the idea that God forgets our sins when He forgives us, so we should do the same. But the reality is that forgiveness requires the very opposite. It necessitates that we remember.”
Thompson’s point is powerful: true forgiveness isn’t about forgetting—it’s about revisiting painful memories with new understanding. When we fail to address the pain, we reinforce unhealthy mental patterns that keep us stuck in guilt and shame. But when we remember, we do so with compassion and a broader perspective. Dr. Thompson goes on to say:
“To remember is to activate those neural networks associated with a particular event we have experienced. To forgive is not to deny those feelings, images, or thoughts but have them tempered and changed by alternative sensations, feelings, images, and thoughts associated with alternative mental action, and therefore alternative neural networks.”
In other words, to forgive ourselves, we must revisit the hurt and pain we’ve caused, but do so in a way that allows us to change how we interpret those memories. This involves intentionally shifting our focus, so the pain no longer dominates our thoughts and emotions.
Here are 5 practical steps to forgive yourself:
1. Connect with Others
One of the greatest fallacies about self-forgiveness is that it must be done alone. In reality, we need the support of trusted friends, mentors, or in some cases, therapists. We need others to help normalize our experience, remind us we’re not alone, and provide perspectives that we might not see on our own. As Dr. Thompson notes, healing is often a communal process, not a solitary one.
2. Receive the Forgiveness Already Given by Christ
Romans 12:2 urges us to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” This transformation happens when we remember our mistakes alongside God’s forgiveness. In 1 John 1:9, we are reminded, “If we admit our sins—simply come clean about them—He won’t let us down; He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing.” Allowing Christ’s forgiveness to wash over us is essential to the process of healing.
For those who may not be familiar with Christian teachings, this step is about recognizing and accepting the grace that God offers. Whether you see it as a divine or moral framework, receiving grace is key to letting go of the weight of our past mistakes.
3. Build Tolerance for Remorse
Remorse is natural. It’s a healthy response to the mistakes we’ve made. The difference between guilt and shame is critical here: guilt can motivate growth and change, while shame can paralyze us. Tess Brieva MSW, beautifully explains this concept: “Somatic techniques help you tune into your physical sensations. build capacity for discomfort, and support you exploring all emotions safely.” Learning to feel remorse without allowing it to define your worth is an important part of healing.
4. Expand Awareness of “Larger Truths”
Dr. Thompson emphasizes that forgiveness requires us to see the bigger picture:
“For instance, if I only pay attention to my hurt feelings. I never attune to my adversary’s (even if that adversary is me) own layers of brokenness; never consider their deeper story, the cistern of their own fear or shame… Through the hard, repeated work of my imagination, my awareness of the larger truths…. begins to gradually diffuse the intensity of the emotional content of my anger and resentment.”
What does this mean? Forgiveness requires empathy—not just for others, but for ourselves. It involves. understanding our own deeper story, our fears, and our shame, and recognizing that our mistakes don’t define who we are. Dr. Thompson continues: “I find that through compassion and imagination, we can slowly begin to diffuse the intensity of our anger.”
5. Reflect and Integrate Lessons
Tess Brieva also talks about the importance of reflection and growth: “Instead of ruminating on past mistakes, focus on what you can learn from them. Use these lessons to build a better future, rather than allowing them to drag you down. Forgiving yourself does not mean forgetting or repeating the same mistakes. It means learning from them and committing to doing better in the future.”
Self-forgiveness isn’t a one-time event. It’s an ongoing process.
Each time we reflect on past mistakes, we must choose to see them as opportunities for growth rather than sources of shame. This means committing to change, being patient with ourselves, and acknowledging that transformation takes time.
The Role of Tending in Our Lives
Just as God created us to tend to the garden of our hearts, we are called to steward our lives and stories with intentionality. In Genesis 2:15, God commands us to “work the ground and keep it in order.” We are invited to participate in the care of our own lives, cultivating not only the beautiful aspects but also acknowledging the mistakes and challenges that we encounter.
Self-forgiveness is part of that stewardship. By tending to our hearts, we allow ourselves to grow, heal, and thrive. When we embrace our mistakes with compassion and responsibility, we take ownership of our stories—and in doing so, we make space for God to transform us.
